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Finding Myself, Miss Independent

January 21, 2008
Independence is for the very few, [for those] not only strong, but also daring to the point of recklessness. – Nietzsche

I guess I’ve been trying to find myself all my life. Sometimes I thought I have it, but other times it just seems so elusive. Like maybe it’s there, maybe it’s not. The hardest part about finding yourself is not the endless searching; neither is it the constant fear that you may, very well, never find yourself. For me, the hardest part about finding myself is not even knowing where to look in the first place.

If only life is served to us on a platter and we’d just take it as it is, no questions asked. But as life would have it, it has to be way more complicated than that. If only there is perhaps like an instructional manual to all this, then perhaps we wouldn’t be poking our heads into the wrong places one too many times. It’s like a cruel, maybe even sadistic, game that our minds are playing with us.

Some people dive into the ocean blue, swimming with the sharks as they search. Some people stumble into the mind-boggling labyrinth, only to come out of it more bewildered and confused than ever. Some people drive on the long dusty road, their vintage Camry coughing up sprinkles of red dirt with the wind in their hair, and eventually give their intended destination the universal rude gesture and go wherever their hearts and wheels take them. I, for one, am not ‘some people’. I choose to believe, and I want to be, somebody. And this somebody is a little bit of those ‘some people’ and a bit more. I swim with sharks, I come up for air a little more confused than I went in, I stretch my hand out and make a little wave-ish thing as I drive down my sandy desert dirtpath, I go wherever my heart wills, my legs walk and my mind wanders. And at the end of the day, I am no less wiser, no less weathered but definitely hoping something or someone would shed some light on who I really am soon.

But then again, I’m not too worried about whether or not I’ve found myself. Maybe I already did, but just didn’t realise it. Or maybe I thought I did, but really I haven’t. The greatest thing about this journey is learning how to walk on your two feet. And it’s, like, the longer you walk on this path, the better you are at this game, and hell, you may even start to enjoy it. You develop a sense of style, your very own brand of sass and wit, your own whiff and gait. Wait a minute, I can’t believe…it’s..you!

So seriously, to hell with the obsession of finding yourself, ‘cause at the end of the day whether you like it or not, it’s gonna catch up with you baby. I choose being independent, and embracing my undiscovered self today.

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