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#66 Neither Here Nor There: That In-Between Feeling

February 11, 2010

You know that feeling… that feeling you can’t quite grasp, but oh so familiar with. It always catches you unaware, hits you where it hurts the most, knocks the wind out of you, leaving you spinning, a little dazed and confused…and wanting out. Like someone trying to smother you with a pillow for fun, the last few moments before you come up for air…

College, for me right now, is something like that. I can’t quite tell you exactly how or what it feels like, but if you have been there, you will know what I mean. There comes a point, where everything is just so routine, maybe things do get a little harder each time you learn something new or move to a more advanced level, but they are more or less always the same. Go to class, do your readings, hand in your assignment, repeat. Or usually, more often than not, they all happen concurrently, crashing into one another, a blur of highlighted readings, the bright piercing lights of the lecture hall shining into your bleary eyes, the soft touch of your well-worn hoodie reminding you of the last warm moments beneath your sheets.

I feel like I’m held back by a rubber band, like the little rock on the elastic band of a catapult, ready to shoot out at any moment. Where I’ll land, I have really no idea. But some days I just want out… because the tension is so high, it’s starting to get on my nerves. I get all jittery and I just want to do something new. Like when you sit around waiting for someone important to arrive… the first five minutes you get all fight-or-flight mode, adrenaline pumping through your veins. 15 minutes on, the person doesn’t arrive and you start to feel restless and antsy, you fidget and you lose interest.

College is a little bit like that sometimes. Which is why there is a constant need for me, and for you too my fellow collegiate buddy, to find something new to challenge myself. And I don’t mean just academic stuff. That’s not to say that I am already high up there with the books, I’m not. I’m far from it. In fact, even till the time I graduate, I’m sure I won’t even be anywhere near the top of the class. That’s not my calling. But I know somehow, somewhere, something is waiting for me. And it’s not getting some book prize and waiting for the graduation cap to sit pretty on my coiffed hair on graduation day. I can’t wait for graduation to roll around — that’s nearly two and a half more semesters away. It’s so near yet so far.

I know I’m going to miss college once I graduate. Everyone I know who has graduated missed going to school.

I love going to school. But I cannot help but wonder what’s out there waiting for me…? How long is it going to wait?

I can only pray that its patience outlasts mine.

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